Are you the kind of parent who expects children to consistently please you by doing only what you ask them to do?

Perhaps the children you’re guiding aren’t biologically yours, but they’re younger ones around you, living in your home, or in your care. Regardless of the relationship, you might be unintentionally stifling their autonomy, as I once did. I’d like to share my journey as a stepmom and later as a mom, in the hope that you can avoid some of the pitfalls I encountered.

Initially, I believed children existed for our pleasure, to follow commands without question. This belief was rooted in my upbringing. We were raised in an environment where adults commanded and children obeyed. “Stand up, go there,” we’d be told, and if we hesitated, punishment swiftly followed. This commanding and often bullying approach was seen as the norm. Naturally, I carried these methods into my own parenting.

As a stepmom, I enforced strict rules and expected compliance without question. My stepchildren were often caught in the crossfire of my attempts to maintain control and assert authority. It wasn’t until I became a biological mother that I started to question these methods. I realized that I was passing the same rigid expectations onto my own daughter.

The turning point came during a heated argument with my daughter. She had refused to follow a directive without explanation, and my initial reaction was to discipline her harshly. However, in that moment, I saw the fear and confusion in her eyes. It struck me that my approach was not fostering respect but rather fear and resentment.

I began to reflect on my actions and their long-term impact. I realized that while obedience is important, so is the development of a child’s autonomy. Children need guidance, but they also need the freedom to make their own choices, learn from their mistakes, and develop their unique identities. By constantly commanding them, I was denying them this critical aspect of growing up.

To foster autonomy, I started involving my daughter in decision-making processes, encouraging her to express her opinions and feelings. I learned to listen more and dictate less. This shift didn’t happen overnight, and it wasn’t easy. There were setbacks and moments of doubt, but gradually, I noticed positive changes in our relationship. My daughter became more confident and responsible, and our bond grew stronger.

If you find yourself in a similar position, take a step back and evaluate your parenting style. Are you allowing your children the autonomy they need to grow into independent individuals? It’s never too late to change. Encourage their independence, support their choices, and watch them flourish. After all, children are not here just to please us; they are individuals on their own journeys, deserving of respect and the freedom to be themselves.

Remember, I’m here as a sister and friend, ready to support you. Send a message if you need someone to talk to. Love and light.

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