Today, we’re delving into a topic that’s deeply personal and often overlooked: the trauma carried by mothers. Mothers, you are incredibly special. Let’s acknowledge that upfront. Without us, there would be no nation because, simply put, we bring life into the world. However, with this gift comes a heavy burden that often goes unnoticed.

A video I recently watched highlighted the competition mothers sometimes feel with their partners or even their sons. The speaker was somewhat dramatic, but her message was profound. Many mothers mistakenly believe they own their children because they have sacrificed so much for them, often at the expense of their own identities.

Let me share a personal story. When I got married, a few years in, we considered moving abroad for a better life. My husband thought it might be a good idea. At the time, I had a two-year-old and two older stepchildren. I began to seriously consider it and called my cousin in London for advice. She laughed and said, “Once you get to Heathrow, delete my number.” She explained how difficult it would be to manage alone with three children, emotionally, physically, and otherwise. Her advice stopped me in my tracks.

I realized I wasn’t ready to sacrifice my life for my children and husband. Many women end up resentful because they feel their sacrifices go unappreciated. This resentment can lead to unhealthy relationships, where mothers hold onto their sons or fathers cling to their daughters, creating enmeshment and unnecessary dependency.

Back to my story. I decided not to move abroad. My husband wasn’t thrilled, but I insisted that if we moved, we had to do it together. Our relationship and our family dynamics were more important to me than the perceived benefits of relocating. I didn’t want to end up resentful, feeling like I had given up my life for my family.

We stayed in Nigeria, and we’re still together, functioning well as a family. This decision allowed me to maintain my sense of self and avoid the trap of feeling that my children owed me their lives because I sacrificed mine for them.

Mothers, please do not pause your life for your children and expect them to owe you their lives. Your role is to be a steward, not an owner. Let your children breathe and get a life of your own. At one point, I didn’t have a life outside my family. But the day I decided to change that, I found joy and fulfillment in my relationships and hobbies.

Women, please get a life. Don’t let your identity be solely defined by being a mother and a wife. When everything else is stripped away, who are you? Embrace your true self. Be the air, the light, and the love that enriches the lives of others. Your identity is more than just your roles in the family. Go get yours. Love and light.

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